The Old and the Matchless!

I have learned to be pretty content in my singleness, but truth be told, every now and again a sister just wants a little bit of companionship. A friend to call and laugh with, catch a movie with, eat a meal with. And I mean a male friend. I love my homegirls, but they don’t replace that masculine energy, perspective, or presence. So, I decided to give online dating a try…another try…because I have tried it before and I just couldn’t! I think that I have ADHD when it comes to giving relationships the attention it requires for them to be successful.

Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Christian Mingle, Eharmony, and Match. They were all EPIC FAILURES.  And to be honest, I failed because I just didn’t put in the work necessary for me to be successful. Yet, you can’t succeed without failing. I had failed before. I wanted to see if this time would be different. This time I would TRULY have an open mind. This time I would be proactive. This time I would give it a strong effort without any expectations and see what the results would be. This time.

Babyyyy…let me tell you…I think I have been out of the game too long! What the heck is going on in these online streets?!

First off, I think I am too old. I was trained a bit different. I’m kind of old school, you know? Old school in the sense that if I ask you to go slow, you will respect my wishes and go SLOW. But not these dudes. “Sir, can we text first? Online dating is a bit scary and I would prefer to take my time.” A simple request, right? I think the guy responded, “Well, what’s the difference between talking to someone online and meeting someone in person?” Uhhh…I’m sorry. The difference is that I asked you to. BLOCK. I ain’t got time.

Next, there was…hmmm…let’s call him #youngbae. His intro. “Hey, pretty lady. You look familiar.” Me, “I was probably your teacher, you look pretty young, but your profile says you are 41.” “Oh that’s a mistake, I am really 28. Do you date younger? My ex was 49.” “I do, but not that young. I would feel like a pedophile. Besides that, you lied about your age.” He BLOCKED me! I deserved it. LOL!

I have been on this site for a while now. It has been interesting. There are a few things that I have discovered.

1.) I am old. Do you know how I made this discovery? My matches are old. I promise all of them remind me of my uncles. I get mad. “Why is this 55-year-old man liking my pic?” Then I remember, “Heifer, you are 47!” Yeah, but I don’t feel 47, and I don’t look 47. I don’t live 47! But this dude in these alligator shoes, now he looks old. I’m not old! Is this what dating is like in your 40’s?

2.) Old dudes want to talk right away. If they send you a message and you respond, they immediately want your number. “Whoa!! Slow down, buddy.” That is too much for me. As a purveyor of Lifetime movies, I am well aware of the risks of online relationships. Really all relationships. Let me take my time with exchanging personal info, please and thanks.

3.) Old dudes inherently want real relationships. I don’t know how many profiles that I read that say, “Looking for that special someone. Looking for that special lady in my life, etc… Trying to find my wife. Here for my helpmeet.” That’s great, if that is what you are looking for. But uhhhh…I just want to go out on a date or two and make friends. Then I remember again, you are 47 and not 27, and it’s highly probable that men at this stage of life are looking to settle down. However, relationships mean responsibilities. I don’t have room in my life for that. Company and friendship. That’s it. And I mean that literally.

4.) I just need people to teach their PawPaws how to take a profile pic. Stop taking pics with the Bluetooth in your ear. Please, please, please take a pic WITHOUT your sunglasses. I think two things: you are cross-eyed or high. If I see another pic of anyone sitting in the casino, I will scream! I promise. Finally, have at least one full-body pic. If you are a bit rotund, or a bit gangly, be proud! We all have things we are working on. I am no different. But be real about who and what you are. The right person will want to see and get to know the real you! Oh I forgot, please tell PawPaw the purple easter suit and gators…ummm might not be a crowd-pleaser, but then again it might. Just not for me.

5.) Be careful with your usernames. If you are serious about dating and picking a mate, then you need to pick a name that gives a good impression. That is one of the first things that people learn about you online. What you think is funny, might translate to creepy, rude, immature, or just plain dumb. I will swipe left because of it. @dwn4whateva just isn’t a good look for a 50-year-old male looking for his special lady in his life. IJS.

6.) What’s worse than the Bluetooth pic is the tank top/Bluetooth combo. And, it doesn’t matter what color in a tank top is just a big no-no. Unless, of course, you are built like Idris, the Rock, or Thor (Chris Hemsworth). Listen, it is ok if you have Dad-bod. We know you do. We are not young anymore. Heck, I have mom-bod and I don’t have not one damn kid! Just present your dad-bod in the best way possible. And I’m sorry, bruh! A dingy white t-shirt and a Bluetooth dangling from your ear, or neck, are not it. Your grandkids probably warned you. Listen to them! And the Bluetooth is just extra. Stop it.

7.) You must have a healthy dose of self-esteem. Dudes will literally ghost you or hide their profiles from you for no reason. A few years ago, I would have been in my feelings, judge myself as unattractive, or I might wonder what I said wrong, but now I celebrate just a little. At least dudes aren’t wasting my time. It is actually very freeing to realize some people just aren’t interested. In return, I realized I could be the same way. I don’t have to like or communicate with a man just because he likes or talks to me. Thus, the reason for my last two horrible situationships. There was one guy who just came across as an asshole to me. He wasn’t rude or anything. Just a contrarian. Everything was a debate or he had to be devil’s advocate. I realized I really didn’t like him. But he had a great profile (he looked great on paper) and I was like why not just keep talking to him for practice. I shared my experience with this dude with a Soror and she gave me some good advice, “Uh uh! Don’t do that! That’s how you end up in bad relationships. Eventually, he will grow on you and you’ll be like, ‘Well, he is kinda nice. Naw, girl! cut him loose.” And she was right. I was wasting the brothers time when he could focus on someone who really liked him.

8.) It’s harder than you think to just get a date. Part of it’s me. Part of it’s them. Niggas don’t ask and I don’t want to go (like I really want to go on dates, but then I really don’t). I know you all are thinking that this is totally my fault. I can read your minds, “Sis! You are too picky! Stop shooting dudes down before they have a chance.” Lies! I really am open to going out, but guys just don’t ask. I really think they don’t want to waste money on women that aren’t serious potential. I get that. Going out can get expensive. But can we meet up for coffee or ice cream? Can we go dutch? Can we meet for a workout or a run? All very inexpensive or free. At least in the beginning. Men make time and spend money on the things and people they want. So, I can only conclude that they just aren’t that serious about this, just like me. Maybe next year I will ask them out! All they can do is say no, and I am ok with that too.

9.) I learn more about myself than them—1.) I’m a job snob-in this season of my life, entry-level positions just aren’t attractive. Potential has a different look at 45 than it did when I was 25. I’m all for having dreams, but what are you doing or have you been doing to work towards those dreams. At my age, it is time to move from potential to purpose. Even if you have a full-time job, what are you called to do and are you working to fulfill that calling? And FYI, everybody ain’t called to preach (insert eye-roll). 2.) I don’t know what I want-I know more of what I don’t want. Sad but true. There’s not too much else to say about that other than I need to figure that shit out. 3.) I’m judgmental-I’m sure by this post you could already tell that. Well…it was eyeopening to me! LOL! I’ll work on it. 4.) I’m low-key ADHD-if your profile description is more than a paragraph, you lost me, bruh. I read books, not profiles; get to the point. 

I’m not really proud of these things

10.) This is actually quite fun! When I’m bored, I start swiping and I get a good laugh! The best part of this process has been sharing the fun with my friends Sonia and her sister Kiphani, who bullied us both into doing this foolishness. The group texts, screenshots, and comparative line-ups offer good laughs and fellowship. Who better to help you through an awkward dating phase than people you have known for more than 20 years. I also send them to my sisters and nieces who weigh-in on the selections. Their commentary can be comical. I send pics to my homeboys too who often say, “Give the dude a chance. You are being too hard!” Sharing the experience with family and friends reaffirms the idea that just because I’m almost 50 doesn’t mean my life is over. Love is still possible. It is still beautiful. Under the right circumstances, it should still be celebrated when it happens. Next up, our drunk swipe party. I can’t wait! I’m sure looking at profiles while slightly inebriated will be quite the experience. I’ll be sure to report back. After that, maybe I will get more serious about this process. Until then, why not have some fun.

11.) Men can be just as picky as women. Most of the time, their selectivity (is that a word) is related to physical appearance: “I like slender women. If you don’t meet this standard, please keep scrolling.” Or, “I like full-figured women! Looks like you fit the bill!” Really, dude? But the best one so far has been, “I am really looking for a woman with A-1 credit. No disrespect, but we all have our preferences.” I started to keep scrolling because you know that season in 2006 when I just stopped paying my bills and my student loans, but he hit me up in my inbox. He was cute so I said to myself, “Well, my credit isn’t A-1, but it’s decent.” I hit him back. When I tell you dude hid his profile! What the hell? Is this app giving credit scores? Or, did the Holy Spirit whisper, “She is not a good steward of her money, but she is working on it, bruh!” I couldn’t even be mad. Saved us an argument later in life. I was amused and at the same time validated. It is ok to ask for what you want in a mate. Closed mouths don’t get fed.

Last but not least…

12.) For all of my friends that dated a dude named Marquise or Demontae and they were f*ckboys  you put a bad taste in my mouth! They get automatic blocks.

I know I seem crazy and hard to please. I’m not. Am I set in my ways as my homies like to claim? Maybe. I just know that I have a good life. Dating is just another dimension to that life. It is not my whole existence. I am doing this because I want to, not because I have to. I want to learn about me. To see that I am brave enough and courageous enough to face any challenge, including a man…all except the PawPaws. I can’t do PawPaw. I’ll give Marquise or Demontae a chance before PawPaw.

Any who…I’ll keep you all posted with my online dating escapades. Until then, I am still old and matchless. And if by chance I am still single in 5, 10, 20 years don’t judge me. I’m probably doing some poor schmuck a favor. They don’t want to deal with the foolishness that is me.

P.S. This post is for entertainment purposes only. I am really laughing at myself and how absurd I am…but it is my real life. In the words of Kevin Hart, “Laugh at my pain.” LOL!!