Lysol Is My Superpower: Rules for Cold and Flu Season!

In honor of cold and flu season, I need some of y’all to know that Lysol is my superpower and I will use it on you!

First of all, I love y’all but do the world a favor and stay home. I know “The Man” got us out here thinking that it is shameful to call in sick. I tell you that it is a lie from the pit of hell! Use your PTO or sick days accordingly. It’s your time to take care of yourself. Instead of coming into the office coughing and sneezing all over your co-workers, use your time to stay in bed to heal! Because guess what? If you get near me with you phlegmy self, I will spray you.

Second, it’s just allergies or it’s just sinus is not a chance you should take when communing in the general public. What you think is an allergy or a sinus infection could very well be a cold, and your self-diagnosis has the potential to infect hundreds of people. Have you not seen Outbreak?! Bruh, hit that hand sanitizer before you touch that door handle.

Last but not least, when I ask you, ” Are you sick,” and you respond, “Yes, but I took Alka-seltzer,” or whatever over-the-counter cold and flu medicine you think might work…that does not appease me. Medicine that relieves your symptoms does not inoculate me! So, don’t be offended when I break out this Lysol can and wipe down everything in your vicinity. I’ll spray you like a hazmat worker at the airport!

Look, I’m getting old. In my younger days, I could bounce back from a cold in like 2-3 days. Now, 2-3 weeks. Walking pneumonia is real and the flu virus gets stronger every year. It’s not fair for you to subject us to your germs especially if you share an office or a cubicle–I didn’t choose my office space, but surely you can choose to stay home.

And, my beautiful black moms, that includes your cute kiddos too. I know back in the day our moms were like, “You ain’t got no fever? Take your ass to school.” I get it. However, our moms were made from sterner stuff. Besides, they didn’t live in such a global society as we do. It’s better to be safe than to have to shut down the whole school for an entire week because you think Devante (or Dianne) is lying. I know you remember swine flu? Come on now, you know your kids and you if he or she is faking. If they have the sniffles, let them stay home for the good of other students AND THEIR TEACHERS. There are not too many things a teacher hates more than a snotty nose kid trying to hand in homework. I won’t touch it,  “Place your paper in the basket (in my Hannibal Lecter voice). Now, hit that hand sanitizer and then I’m spraying you and the paper.”

It’s not worth us losing friendship because you feel some type of way about me spraying you. It’s not worth the awkward stares I give you when you walk through the copy room coughing. It’s not worth me getting a write up because I told the class that your kid “got that shit.” It’s not worth me being on my bed of affliction because I was too nice to tell you,  “Stay the F away from me. I don’t want your germs!” It’s just not worth it.

So…just do us all a favor and stay home. 😞😷